Your Pitch is Boring AF (And Nobody Remembers Your Stats)

Or: Why That Genius Product You Built is Dying Because You Can't Tell a Decent Story

Let me paint you a picture: You've built something incredible. Your tech is solid. Your solution actually solves a real problem. You've got slides. You've got stats. You've got farcking alphabet soup of acronyms that make perfect sense to you.

And investors are falling asleep mid-pitch.

I talked to Helen Jonsen—a communications strategist who's gone from New York newsrooms to executive boardrooms—and she absolutely destroyed the myth that "the product speaks for itself."

Spoiler alert: it doesn't. You have to speak for it. And if you can't tell a story that sticks, your innovation is toast.

The Problem: You're Speaking Robot, Not Human

Here's what's happening in 90% of startup pitches, board presentations, and networking events:

Leaders are treating communication like a data dump. They're so caught up in their own jargon, their own technical brilliance, their own alphabet soup that they forget they're talking to human beings who need to give a shaet.

Helen put it perfectly: "They're so excited about their product and they're so caught up in their own jargon... No one stops to think through, how do we say what we do?"

Your website copy doesn't translate to the spoken word. That deck you've presented 47 times sounds like you're reading a quarterly earnings report. And when someone asks "What do you do?"—you launch into a 3-minute explanation that makes their eyes glaze over.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

Stats Are Like Hot Dogs (And Yours Are Bland as Hell)

Helen dropped this gem that I can't stop thinking about:

"A stat is like a hot dog. Pretty plain, pretty straightforward, pretty boring. When you take that stat and put a little sauce and stuff on top—now you have a meal."

Think about the last pitch you heard. Someone says: "We serve 25,000 meals every year."

Cool. Do you remember that number? Probably not.

Do you remember what it means? farck no.

But what if they told you about the kid who would have gone hungry without that meal? What if they told you about the family that got to the next level in their lives because they knew where their next meal was coming from?

NOW you're paying attention. NOW it matters. NOW it's memorable.

Your stats don't stick because they're hot dogs without the sauce. And in the B2B world—especially in health tech and med tech where lives are literally on the line—your inability to humanize those numbers is costing you funding, partnerships, and market share.

Your "Prepared Remarks" Sound Prepared (And That's the Problem)

Here's the thing about actors doing press junkets: they get asked the same questions 500 times in a row. But they answer like no one has ever asked them that question before.

That's the gold standard.

You should have your own "press junket prep"—what Helen calls your signature remarks. Not an elevator pitch. Not memorized bullshaet. A toolkit of stories, passion statements, and introductions that you can pull from naturally in any conversation.

Every leader needs to have ready:

• Your best introduction (full name, title, why you're in the room)

• Your passion statement (not what you do—WHY you care)

• 2-3 stories that illustrate what you're about

• Smooth transitions to insert those stories when needed

The key? They need to sound authentic. Not scripted. Not like you're reading from a teleprompter.

Helen's advice: "Make it concise. Like Hemingway, not Dickens."

Direct. Straightforward. With human emotion. That's how you connect.

Special Hell: Women Leaders Dealing With Extra Bullshaet

Can we talk about the additional layers of crap that women leaders have to navigate?

Helen broke down some habits that are killing women's credibility:

"I'm sorry, but I have a question."

Why the farck are you apologizing for asking for clarity? You could be the most senior person in the room, but that reflex kicks in. It diminishes everything that comes after.

"I think..."

This little qualifier. This hedge. Helen admitted she's struggling to kill this habit herself. Because we're taught to soften our statements, to make space, to not be "too much."

Getting your ideas stolen in meetings.

Some dude repeats your idea verbatim five minutes later and gets credit. Helen's move? "That's a great idea. I'm glad you expounded upon what I just said." Pause. Move the conversation back.

And my personal favorite horror story: Women walking into rooms and being asked to get coffee because someone assumes they're the assistant. This has happened to top military leaders. To Sheryl Sandberg. To countless women who forgot to introduce themselves first.

Helen's rule: Walk into any room and establish who you are and why you're there FIRST. Don't wait for someone else to introduce you. Use your full name. Your title. Your reason for being there.

"Hi, I'm Janie" means nothing. "I'm Jane Morrison, CEO of XYZ, and I'm here to discuss the partnership strategy" means everything.

The Make-or-Break Moment: Can You Explain Your Value?

Here's the brutal truth about startup founders (especially technical founders):

You have the skills. The expertise. The innovation.

But you're getting outcompeted by people with inferior products who can tell a better story.

Your pitch isn't landing because you haven't thought through how to make the specific universal. You haven't found the human face behind the data. You haven't practiced speaking to your slides in a way that engages people emotionally.

Helen nailed it: "Valuable innovations die on the vine because leadership couldn't communicate clearly what made them so special."

How many brilliant solutions have failed because the founder couldn't get out of jargon hell long enough to make an investor FEEL something?

How many partnerships evaporated because you couldn't explain your value in terms your audience actually understood and cared about?

How many team members checked out because leadership kept speaking in buzzwords instead of painting a vision worth following?

The Fix: Build Your Signature Remarks Toolkit

Here's what you're going to do (like, actually do, not just think about doing):

1. Craft your introduction and passion statement Not what you do—WHY you do it. What problem in the world pisses you off enough to dedicate your life to solving it?

2. Write down 2-3 origin stories The moments that define your journey. The "kid who would have gone hungry" version of your stats. Make them concise. Make them human.

3. Practice speaking them out loud Not reading. Speaking. Record yourself. Listen back. Cringe at how you sound. Do it again until it sounds natural.

4. Develop your smooth transitions "That reminds me of..." "As I was thinking about this earlier..." "Oh, that's similar to something we encountered..."

These let you insert your prepared stories without sounding like you're forcing a tangent.

5. Think through the questions you might be asked Where would each of your stories be a perfect answer? When would you need to humanize a stat? What moments require you to establish credibility quickly?

Helen's advice: "Take an hour. Take an afternoon. What are those points you like to come back to? Write them down. Make them concise. Then practice."

Why This Actually Matters (Beyond Not Sucking at Pitches)

Look, in the health tech and med tech space, you're not just selling software. You're selling solutions that impact people's lives. That help providers give better care. That help patients get healthier.

If you can't tell the human story behind your innovation, you're doing a disservice to everyone who could benefit from it.

And in the SaaS world where everyone's competing for the same mindshare and budgets keep getting tighter—the companies that win are the ones that make stakeholders FEEL something. That make the case not just rational, but emotional.

Because remember: decisions are made emotionally but justified rationally.

If you can't make that emotional connection first, all your beautiful spreadsheets and feature comparisons are worthless.

The Bottom Line

You don't get to hide behind "I'm just not good at this communication stuff."

You're a leader. Communication IS your job. Whether you're pitching to investors, onboarding new team members, speaking at conferences, or just networking over coffee.

The good news? This is a learnable skill. You can build your toolkit. You can practice your stories. You can become the kind of communicator who makes people lean in instead of check out.

Or you can keep serving up bland hot dogs and wondering why nobody's buying.

[Watch the full episode with Helen Jonsen here] to get the complete breakdown on building signature remarks that actually stick and making your communication as powerful as your innovation.

P.S. If you're thinking "But Karl, I'm an engineer/scientist/technical founder—I'm supposed to focus on the product, not storytelling..."

Yeah, about that.

Your competitors who figured out how to do BOTH? They're eating your lunch right now. They're getting funded while you're getting ghosted. They're closing partnerships while you're wondering why nobody "gets it."

The product matters. Obviously. But if you can't communicate its value in a way that makes humans give a shaet, you might as well have built nothing.

The choice is yours: keep hiding behind technical jargon, or learn to tell stories that actually land.

What's it gonna be?

Karl Pontau hosts The Human Connection Podcast, where we talk about the stuff that actually matters in business: the humans running it. Because whether you're B2B or B2C, it's really H2H—human to human. Subscribe so you don't miss the next episode where we probably say something that'll make your HR department uncomfortable.