You're the Problem (But Your Brain Won't Let You See It)
You're the Problem (But Your Brain Won't Let You See It)
Picture this: You're at a corrections facility. Day and a half into a workplace training. There's a woman in the front row with pain written all over her face.
She just sits there. Looking miserable. For hours.
My guest Desmond Lomax—licensed clinical therapist who specializes in humanizing the workplace—is leading the training, wondering if she's even getting anything out of it.
Then during a break, she comes up to him.
She's been working with this one inmate for 15 years. Fifteen. Years. And after a day and a half of this training on self-deception, she finally realizes: She might be part of the problem.
That look on her face? That wasn't boredom or resistance. That was the face of someone's entire worldview cracking open in real-time.
The Self-Deception That's Ruining Your Workplace (And You Can't Even See It)
Here's the uncomfortable truth Desmond dropped on me:
You think you're doing your best. You're working hard. Putting your best foot forward. Being a good leader. Clearly having a positive impact.
So when things aren't working—when people aren't responding well to your leadership, when relationships are strained, when teams are struggling—it's obviously not YOU, right?
Wrong.
This is self-deception in action. And the really fun part? You're blind to the fact that you're doing it.
Self-deception is the process of justifying how we live and how we work. And part of that justification involves dehumanizing other people.
Yeah. Read that again.
When you're stuck in self-deception, you're literally turning people into objects to justify your behavior and protect your self-image.
The Evidence Trap (AKA Why You're So Sure You're Right)
"But Karl," you're saying, "I have EVIDENCE. My boss really IS difficult. That employee really IS underperforming. That client really IS unreasonable."
And you know what? You might be right.
That's what makes this so insidious.
Desmond broke it down: People have legitimate reasons to self-deceive. You have evidence. Real evidence. Your boss said that thing in that meeting. Your employee missed that deadline. Your client sent that passive-aggressive email at 11 PM on a Friday.
But here's the trap: When you're self-deceiving, you're ONLY looking for evidence that justifies that you're correct.
You're discarding anything that would make you humanize the person or see them differently. You're hyper-focused on the things that justify why you feel the way you feel and why you behave the way you behave.
It's confirmation bias on steroids, and it's destroying your relationships and your effectiveness.
The Question Nobody Wants to Ask (But Everyone Should)
Desmond's training centers around one brutally simple question:
"What is it like to work with me?"
Not "what do I THINK it's like to work with me."
Not "what would it be like to work with someone as hardworking and dedicated as me."
What is it ACTUALLY like? On a day-to-day basis? When you're so focused on accomplishing your goals that you lose sight of the people helping you achieve them?
And the follow-up question: Do you have a space where people can communicate truthfully about what that's like?
Because here's what Desmond told me that hit me right in the gut: People struggle to ask these direct questions because they have a sense of what the answer might be.
They don't want to know. Because knowing means they might have to change. And change is scary when your entire identity is wrapped up in "I'm doing my best and clearly I'm not the problem."
The Woman Who Realized She Was the Obstacle
Back to that woman in the corrections facility.
Fifteen years working with one inmate. Fifteen years of struggle and frustration. Fifteen years of "this person just won't change, this person is impossible, this person is the problem."
One and a half days of training on self-deception, and she realizes: Maybe her approach has been part of the issue. Maybe the way she's been seeing this person—as an object, as a problem, as someone who will never change—has been preventing any real progress.
That's the "haunting and liberating" moment Desmond talks about.
Haunting because holy shaet, you just realized you've been getting in your own way for YEARS.
Liberating because now you have control. Now you can actually do something about it.
Inward vs. Outward (The Framework That Changes Everything)
Desmond laid out the simplest, most devastating framework:
INWARD: You see people as objects. You're focused on yourself.
OUTWARD: You see people as people. You're focused on results (together).
When you're inward and someone is "a problem" to you, you don't believe they'll ever change. In fact, you're not even looking for change—you're just collecting evidence of why you were right all along that they'll never change.
And here's the kicker: When you treat someone like an object who can't change, they feel it. They don't feel seen. They don't feel humanized. So they resist you. They fight back. They protect themselves.
Your workplace becomes riddled with people resisting people, and everyone's convinced it's everyone else's fault.
The Shaetty People Defense (And Why It's More Complicated Than That)
Look, I'm not naive. I brought this up with Desmond because I know what you're thinking:
"But Karl, some people ARE just arseholes. Am I supposed to take ownership of other people's shaetty behavior?"
And Desmond's answer was perfect: No. You don't need to take ownership of people's shaettiness.
(Yes, he said it's "French." We're all adults here.)
But what you CAN do is see their humanity, have boundaries, see them for who they are, and STILL accomplish what you need to accomplish.
This pulls you out of the victim mentality where you're simply suffering because of someone else's poor behavior.
You respond instead of react. You maintain boundaries. You own your part. You work mindfully instead of just throwing gasoline on the fire every time they do something that triggers you.
And here's the beautiful part: When you handle it well, you're NOT seen as part of the problem. Other people notice. The organizational issues become more visible because you're not muddying the waters with your own reactivity.
The abrasive person's behavior becomes more obviously the issue because you're not giving them ammunition to claim "everyone's difficult, not just me."
The Personal Story That Hit Different
Desmond shared this gem: He's a volunteer at the YMCA. Thinks he's doing a great job.
His wife (who's kind of his "boss" in that context) gives him feedback on how he could help more effectively.
His immediate reaction? Resistance. "What do you mean? I'm a VOLUNTEER. I'm doing my best."
At work, he's totally open to feedback on his impact. But at home in his volunteer role? Instant defensiveness.
That's the thing about self-deception—it shows up EVERYWHERE. Work, home, relationships, volunteer gigs. Anywhere you're interacting with humans, you're at risk of seeing them (or yourself) as objects instead of people.
The Growth Unlock Nobody Talks About
Here's what made this conversation click for me:
When you're stuck in self-deception, you're not just damaging relationships. You're capping your own growth.
You're staying stagnant. You're not improving as a coworker, employee, leader, or human being. You've plateaued because you're convinced you're already doing your best and there's no room for improvement.
But when you break through that self-deception? When you realize "oh shaet, I have been getting in my own way"?
Suddenly there's unlimited potential for growth. Your relationships improve. Your career advances. You become someone people actually want to work with. Other companies start reaching out with offers because you've leveled up as a human.
And here's the counterintuitive part: You improve yourself by NOT focusing solely on yourself.
By seeing other people as people. By being outward instead of inward. By caring about collective results instead of just protecting your ego.
You become a better human, which makes you more successful, which makes your life better.
Wild how that works.
The Assumption That Changes Everything
Desmond's approach: "I just assume I'm not having the impact I want."
No matter how hard he tries, he assumes there's room for improvement in how he's impacting people.
That's not defeatist. That's not negative self-talk. That's creating space for growth and feedback and actual change.
Because the alternative—assuming you're already maximizing your positive impact—is the fastest path to stagnation and relationship destruction.
Watch the Full Episode
This conversation with Desmond went deep into the mechanics of self-deception, why entire workplaces get trapped in cycles of resistance, and how to actually break free without becoming a doormat.
He's spent 20 years as a therapist in corrections and workplace consulting, and he's seen every flavor of self-deception humans can cook up.
Your coworkers aren't the problem. Your boss isn't the problem. That difficult client isn't the problem.
Well, okay, sometimes they ARE part of the problem.
But you might be too. And that's actually the good news, because it means you have control over changing it.
P.S. If you're reading this and getting defensive—feeling that tightness in your chest, already mentally composing rebuttals about why YOUR situation is different and you really AREN'T the problem—that's probably self-deception talking. Just saying. Desmond runs workshops on this stuff through the Arbinger Institute if you want to go deeper than this blog post can take you. But start with the simple question: "What is it like to work with me?" And then actually create space for people to answer honestly. Warning: the answer might be haunting. But it'll also be liberating, because once you see it, you can actually do something about it. Unlike right now, where you're blind to how you're getting in your own way.
Karl Pontau hosts The Human Connection Podcast, where we talk about the stuff that actually matters in business: the humans running it. Because whether you're B2B or B2C, it's really H2H—human to human. Subscribe so you don't miss the next episode where we probably say something that'll make your HR department uncomfortable.
